Who actually says "making love" when talking about the act of having sex? According to my poll (Bodie & my recollections from previous relationships), no one actually says this. At least, not anyone from my generation. However, if I were to crack open any romance novel - okay, almost any - all of the characters routinely refer to sex as "making love".
Is this a generational thing? My shoot-from-the-hip armchair-analysis says it goes like this:
People from previous generations use the term "make love" because it is an amorphous term that legitimizes out-of-wedlock sex. Because sex is bad, but making love is okay because I love you, baby. And I don't know how my body works, or how babies are made, and I listen to Bruce Springsteen and everything seems to work out okay for him.
People from my generation use the term "have sex" because we are a product of public school sex education. Everything is clinical, proper names are used for all body parts (I don't remember what the hell 'seminal vesicles' are, but I can still spell those motherfuckers after 15 years), and we know that if we can't discuss sex with a straight face then we aren't ready to have it.
Hmmm...do I have a point? Who cares?! But this was too great of a random thought to let disappear.
You're welcome, Internet.
Friday, 6 November 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
There Are So Many Places This Could Go
(45 minutes before my first Open House at this school)
Mr. L: Like, not in the whore way, but...
(awkward pause)
Me: This is an interesting way to begin a conversation...
According to Mr. L, I am the free-spirited Jenny to his Forrest Gump. That is quite possibly the sweetest thing a co-worker has ever said to me. Although, come to think of it, we never did establish or define the whole Jenny/Forrest analogy. I think after that he bailed on the conversation as fast as he could. Smart, smart man. Mr. L totally rocks - even though he still hasn't confirmed reading my award-winning recipe for Flan-ing the Flames of Desire. Maybe it was my reference to semen in the first paragraph that did it...
(And someday, when I finally get him to break down and read my blog, he will shake his head while reading this and wonder how he ever got stuck teaching kids with someone like me. )
Mr. L: Like, not in the whore way, but...
(awkward pause)
Me: This is an interesting way to begin a conversation...
According to Mr. L, I am the free-spirited Jenny to his Forrest Gump. That is quite possibly the sweetest thing a co-worker has ever said to me. Although, come to think of it, we never did establish or define the whole Jenny/Forrest analogy. I think after that he bailed on the conversation as fast as he could. Smart, smart man. Mr. L totally rocks - even though he still hasn't confirmed reading my award-winning recipe for Flan-ing the Flames of Desire. Maybe it was my reference to semen in the first paragraph that did it...
(And someday, when I finally get him to break down and read my blog, he will shake his head while reading this and wonder how he ever got stuck teaching kids with someone like me. )
Monday, 20 April 2009
I Went to This Concert Once...
...with my friend Vince - a big old-timey country music fan - and we saw Johnny Paycheck at the Crystal Palace. This must have been 1997 or 98 and, man, that was a good show (I was still occasionally smoking Marlboro Reds back then - ah, youth - and we stopped for a fresh pack, I believe it was my last one ever, after the show). And as I was reading an article in the NY Times tonight, I was reminded of that concert and one of Johnny's famous hits. However, to write my own lyrics, I think it would be more along the lines of "take this tenure and shove it".
Now, according to these people (who are definitely knowledgeable, well-respected professionals in their field) teaching is a viable career alternative for people who are looking for a new professional start in life. Well, p'shaw!, I say. As soon as the word 'tenure' appeared, I was pissed, and here's why:
I don't understand how anyone associated with the teaching profession can dangle the "tenure" carrot in front of prospective teachers in an article and ignore the GIGANTIC sticks that are wielded by state and federal governments. There are the licensing fee schemes that would put mafia racketeers to shame, the constant vilification of you and your colleagues for all manner of failings that are outside your authority and control, and then the always sickening reality that most of your students do not have access to affordable medical, dental, and mental health services to combat the myriad effects of the garbage the USDA calls a school lunch.
Holy canoli, there are so damn many links I could possibly link to that my brain is bleeding out my eyeballs from considering all of the many aspects of graft, corruption, and nincompoopery associated with the business of recruiting, training, licensing, and retaining teachers that ARE NOT mentioned in this article.
Wait, let me calm down a minute...okay, I've lit my prayer candle with the picture of Jaime Escalante on it, have some soothing music by Coolio playing, and I have my bourbon on the rocks resting on a copy of Freedom Writers. Whew! For a minute there, the realities of teaching in the modern public school system were just too much for me. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to say that there is a reason that most people don't stay in the teaching profession for more than five years but, unfortunately, my Xanax and Ambien just kicked in and I can't remember why. Oh well, I'm sure everything will be fine because, you know, I've always got tenure to look forward to.
Now, according to these people (who are definitely knowledgeable, well-respected professionals in their field) teaching is a viable career alternative for people who are looking for a new professional start in life. Well, p'shaw!, I say. As soon as the word 'tenure' appeared, I was pissed, and here's why:
I don't understand how anyone associated with the teaching profession can dangle the "tenure" carrot in front of prospective teachers in an article and ignore the GIGANTIC sticks that are wielded by state and federal governments. There are the licensing fee schemes that would put mafia racketeers to shame, the constant vilification of you and your colleagues for all manner of failings that are outside your authority and control, and then the always sickening reality that most of your students do not have access to affordable medical, dental, and mental health services to combat the myriad effects of the garbage the USDA calls a school lunch.
Holy canoli, there are so damn many links I could possibly link to that my brain is bleeding out my eyeballs from considering all of the many aspects of graft, corruption, and nincompoopery associated with the business of recruiting, training, licensing, and retaining teachers that ARE NOT mentioned in this article.
Wait, let me calm down a minute...okay, I've lit my prayer candle with the picture of Jaime Escalante on it, have some soothing music by Coolio playing, and I have my bourbon on the rocks resting on a copy of Freedom Writers. Whew! For a minute there, the realities of teaching in the modern public school system were just too much for me. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to say that there is a reason that most people don't stay in the teaching profession for more than five years but, unfortunately, my Xanax and Ambien just kicked in and I can't remember why. Oh well, I'm sure everything will be fine because, you know, I've always got tenure to look forward to.
Friday, 10 April 2009
I Can't Wait to Be Seventy...
On today's edition of Therapeutic Anger we have Mary, a septuagenarian from Tampa, Florida, who demonstrates the appropriate expression of anger in a discussion with the smarmy neocon douchebags who have delighted and profited from running our country into the ground. Note the even tone of voice, the use of analogy, and the quiet outrage that simply skewers both the host and guest on a kebab of contempt.
Bodie says that Mary is the C-SPAN equivalent (he wouldn't say equivalent - because he just told me he wouldn't - but I would, so I'm paraphrasing) of Jon Stewart on "Crossfire".
Meanwhile, I sat on the sofa, not at the table, during the last staff meeting. Trust me when I say that my anger was therapeutically expressed by my choice of seating and did not go unnoticed by at least one of my coworkers.
Bodie says that Mary is the C-SPAN equivalent (he wouldn't say equivalent - because he just told me he wouldn't - but I would, so I'm paraphrasing) of Jon Stewart on "Crossfire".
Meanwhile, I sat on the sofa, not at the table, during the last staff meeting. Trust me when I say that my anger was therapeutically expressed by my choice of seating and did not go unnoticed by at least one of my coworkers.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Best Laid Plans
So, my plan was to rekindle the romance in our marriage because even after 2 2/3 years we are still trying to find a balance between 1) sweet lovin', 2) my need for sleep, and 3) the absence of a certain child who shall remain nameless.
And then the harsh realities of spontaneous sex caught up with me...
Me: (in a practical tone) So, honey, if we're going to do this let's go to the bedroom. The floor kills my back.
Bodie: (breathing heavily) We all have to make sacrifices.
Me: (practical again) I thought my hideous hair and schlubby pajamas were sacrifice enough.
Bodie: (exasperated) Those are my sacrifices. What are yours?
And then the harsh realities of spontaneous sex caught up with me...
Me: (in a practical tone) So, honey, if we're going to do this let's go to the bedroom. The floor kills my back.
Bodie: (breathing heavily) We all have to make sacrifices.
Me: (practical again) I thought my hideous hair and schlubby pajamas were sacrifice enough.
Bodie: (exasperated) Those are my sacrifices. What are yours?
Monday, 9 February 2009
Not Taking It Anymore...
...because I really am mad as hell. I've decided to begin posting some of the comments I leave on other people's blogs, websites, listservs, etc. because I'm starting to come up with some real comic gold in my rants. At least, I think it would probably be funny if our society weren't at such a critical point right now. Or maybe that's the paranoia from the weed talking...ha! Just kidding. It's really from the ibuprofen...
Today's Therapeutic Anger Triple Feature:
From a listserv
"And I trust a CSU suit to competently perform his/her job about as much as I trust, oh, THE ENTIRE FUCKING LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA THAT CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PASS A FUCKING BUDGET AND CONTINUALLY BURDEN PUBLIC EDUCATION WITH THEIR GENERAL DOUCHEBAGGERY.
Call your representative and tell him/her that he/she is a douchebag. Get everything in writing. In all caps. Do not assume that ... anyone who should possibly have been paid a royalty or licensing fee will be cool with their work being ripped off."
I got mad props for my use of the term 'douchebaggery' on that one. And don't assume that John Q. Public will be cool with having their special services districts torn a new financial asshole in the current economic crisis.
From an online petition to forgive student loan debt that I couldn't quite sign because it meant registering for stuff and I hate doing that (that's the paranoia talking again)
"I am a public school teacher. Like most teachers, I acquired student loan debt in order to receive the education and training that would give me the tools to become a competent professional in the classroom. I go to work every day to educate the children that our federal government is SCREWING by eliminating major education spending provisions from the current stimulus bill. Mr. President, I am not an eternal optimist. I expect that when reason and compassion are blatantly thrown under a bus to pander to ideological nincompoopery on the part of elected officials that the public reserves the right to use shame and derision to meet its needs. Please tell the Legislative lunkheads you work with that their constituents are speaking - it is time to listen."
Honestly, I'm not even sure I am making a coherent point in this one. I was just really pissed off and needed to yell at someone. Kind of like the lady at the beginning of this clip...
Today's Therapeutic Anger Triple Feature:
From a listserv
"And I trust a CSU suit to competently perform his/her job about as much as I trust, oh, THE ENTIRE FUCKING LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA THAT CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PASS A FUCKING BUDGET AND CONTINUALLY BURDEN PUBLIC EDUCATION WITH THEIR GENERAL DOUCHEBAGGERY.
Call your representative and tell him/her that he/she is a douchebag. Get everything in writing. In all caps. Do not assume that ... anyone who should possibly have been paid a royalty or licensing fee will be cool with their work being ripped off."
I got mad props for my use of the term 'douchebaggery' on that one. And don't assume that John Q. Public will be cool with having their special services districts torn a new financial asshole in the current economic crisis.
From an online petition to forgive student loan debt that I couldn't quite sign because it meant registering for stuff and I hate doing that (that's the paranoia talking again)
"I am a public school teacher. Like most teachers, I acquired student loan debt in order to receive the education and training that would give me the tools to become a competent professional in the classroom. I go to work every day to educate the children that our federal government is SCREWING by eliminating major education spending provisions from the current stimulus bill. Mr. President, I am not an eternal optimist. I expect that when reason and compassion are blatantly thrown under a bus to pander to ideological nincompoopery on the part of elected officials that the public reserves the right to use shame and derision to meet its needs. Please tell the Legislative lunkheads you work with that their constituents are speaking - it is time to listen."
Honestly, I'm not even sure I am making a coherent point in this one. I was just really pissed off and needed to yell at someone. Kind of like the lady at the beginning of this clip...
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
A Major Award
Wow! I am an official Smart Bitch winner and the proud recipient of a
Seeing my name in the list of winners made me think that I should update the Smarty Pants saga. You know, um, just in case I get any more traffic from, say, endlessly nagging Bodie to publicize my triumph via his Facebook page (I'm not linking to this because I don't know how and he isn't here right now for me to ask. And did I mention that I'm also standing in my kitchen, barefoot, pregnant, and without the benefit of a big, strong man to work the internets for me?)
So, an update:
We aren't in Las Vegas! Ha! Who would have thought that we would have moved from behind the Redwood Curtain to an entirely different state for all of, oh, 10 days before moving back to California for me to accept a job offer in the quaintly disgusting area that is the southern Central Valley in California. The air quality is bad, the politics are hell and gone from progressive, and I think this is some sort of cosmic penance due to the fact that I turned thirty this year.
[pause for a long telephone chat with Mr. L, who is having to plan for his first substitute teacher ever this Thursday and needs advice...and my old sub plans emailed to him...tonight]
On the bright side of things, we gathered all of our belongings into one residence within four months of the first move, which totally beats our last record of ten months, with only three moving trucks and one storage facility being rented this time around. Of course, the lovely Ms. D. did have a goodly pile of our shit in her garage for all of those four months, but I don't have to count any of that because we weren't technically paying for the space.
Bodie is now a full-time parent and part-time musician playing with the...you know, I was going to write the name of the organization, but he has suddenly gone all paranoid on me. Probably because we keep leaving irate messages on the answering machines and servers of various elected state officials. Hey, it's not my fault that the level of general douchebaggery on the part of the State of California has reached an all-time high. If they did their jobs I wouldn't have cause to point out what a mealy-mouthed sell-out weasel Glen Thomas is for being the Governor's two-bit political hack. Anyway, Bodie is fine, dislikes our current geographical region intensely, and will be insanely grateful when we move away from The Land That Progress Forgot.
Claire...Claire is the most rockin' kid ever. She serenades me at bedtime with "Anchors Aweigh". She calls her flying leaps onto her thinking chair 'engine' (ninja) jumps. She tells me she misses me when I'm at work and that she loves me very much. And she went pee-pee in the potty tonight all by herself...for the low, low price of half of a square of milk chocolate. This girl knows how to negotiate and her reasoning is nothing short of Jesuitical.
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